two thousand and nine

happy new year.
and i really do mean that. i sincerely hope that you have a happy year. i mean, sure, it'll suck sometimes. probably a lot, actually. i know mine will. but when next december thirty-first rolls around, one minute before two thousand and ten, when you quickly flash back on your year, will you be smiling softly in remembrance of the happy things that, all put together, made two thousand and nine a good one?

last night, or the night of december thirty-first, since it is now the second, i was thinking back on 2008. and i thought, 'wow. this is gonna suck.' because, not going to lie, it certainly wasn't the best year ever for me. but, in spite of it all, i actually found myself smiling, because i forced myself to remember the good things. and i remembered that day in may, unusually warm, when kati and i went and had fun by/in the spokane river then went and got sunburns at kai's soccer game and burned our feet on the hot pavement. i remembered that time in marching band, when the pit girls bought panties from jockey and drew ourselves six-packs with someone's sharpie. i remembered the last day of school, when kati and ally and i ate at ihop after the half-day and left a very small tip for our terrible waiter then waited about an hour for a bus when we got tired of it and climbed on the next bus which took us downtown. i remembered attempting cartwheels with kati in our underwear in the backyard. i remembered 'coaching' fit for bloomsday, when i still liked kevin and wished he'd talk to me more often and wished i could run so that i could run with him. that was more amusing than actually happy. i remembered dancing in ihop with kati while waiting for kitty to finish her coffee and getting a standing ovation. i remembered putting on sweet hats and grabbing those jumbo plastic candy canes and hobbling around shopko (?) with kati pretending to be grandmas then putting on long flashy coats and 'flashing' kitty. i remembered stealing nick's volcom hat and wearing it for the rest of the day just to hear more compliments about how 'hot' or 'hawt' or even 'sexy' i looked with it on. i remembered walking out of the courtroom with jon and nick and kylara and rebecca and noticing a plaque stating the rules of the courtroom and realizing that, combined, we had broken almost every single one (no hats? check. no texting? check. no food? check. no drinks? check. no gum? check. no pagers? none of us had pagers, but that was the only one). and i realize now that i could go on and on and on about all the good things that happened in 2008 that i forgot about, but i won't.

so, please, regarding 2009...make it a good one.

and my resolutions are to:

1) be a better friend. this means calling instead of texting, and actually making an effort to spend more time with them.

2) make some new friends. i am not the most outgoing person in the world. i am actually pretty shy when it comes to people i'm not already an established good friend with. so i will not restrict myself to the people i have been friends with for years. i will attempt to befriend new people. which is daunting.

3) get down to 135 pounds. i just weighed myself in at 144.5 pounds. so, i will lose approximately ten pounds so that i can actually look good in a swimsuit come summer.

4) i will work out. regularly. and not just yoga. i will actually work out. lift weights, maybe use the treadmill, and get back into an ab routine.

5) i will restore the self-confidence i lost at age eleven. well, as much of it as i can. and yes, that means finally deleting the degrading text message i sent to myself and saved. this means not stepping on the scale every night and some mornings. this means not obsessing over how terrible my hair looks. this means monitoring my nasty thoughts like my counselor told me to months ago. i might have to bust out the rubber band again.

those are my resoultions for 2009. i didn't quite achieve last year's, which are a little embarrassing and therefore secret, but these are a little more reasonable and actually healthy.

new year, new start. for real. i'm actually taking that seriously right now, and i hope i can keep going.

my zune is on shuffle, and i shall state the lyrics of the next song that comes up.

"there's nothing you can do that can't be done.

nothing you can sing that can't be sung.

nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game.

it's easy.

there's nothing you can make that can't be made.

no one you can save that can't be saved.

nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time.

it's easy."

-the beatles, all you need is love