wow.

i didn't know it was possible to be so (ugh. i sort of have to monitor my language on here) jealous.

it's kind of a disgusting feeling, to be consumed by an emotion entirely based on the fact that you're just not (again, see above parentheses) good enough. it's annoying, it's degrading, and it just makes me jealous of the people who don't have to be jealous. not to mention i become incredibly spiteful toward the subject/s of my jealousy. i like to think i'm pretty good at hiding how terrible of a person i really am though. (i wrote a small, very small essay on the subject once.) but honestly, if i couldn't hide myself well enough, i am absolutely certain that i would basically be more worthless than i am now, and i would have no one. no one. god, that's scary, and i shudder to think of the fact that that's where i'm headed if i don't get my horrible, traitorous thoughts and emotions under control. i try to be good, i really do. i often fail. well, always.

moving on from that cheerful subject. i got a lovey new purse and wallet for christmas, as well as a 4gb zune. not nearly as good as kati's 120gb ipod, but i think i like microsoft better. at any rate, i love my new instrument of being, pumping the sweet ambrosia, the nemesis of the anesthetic i like to call life.

well.

i also got cumcumber melon body butter from bath and body works, and, miracle of miracles, my legs are actually almost as moisturized as a normal person's.

goodness, i miss summer. i hate winter, i really do. especially this winter. the fact that i'm not quite snowed in by this white gift from heaven. well, i usually like snow, but when it just keeps coming...hmph. not to mention the fact that the person who really is basically my only friend, sad as that may seem, is always too busy to spend time with me. stuck in her house, babysitting her little sister, doing god-knows-what with her boyfriend who, over the past...year? has actually, honestly, become more important to her than i am. and it hurts. i mean, she tells me if she had to choose between him and me, she doesn't know who she'd choose, which may have been some strange attempt to make me feel better about the fact that we both know that there's no question of who she'd choose. two guesses, and the name doesn't start with 'm'.

i mean, whenever i ask her if she can hang out, she's always with him, and she always reminds me that, hey, i don't have a penis, which means i am automatically of less worth to her.

my rant is over. and now i sound like a bitter harpy who can't get over the fact that yes, it's true, she really is officially the first choice of no one. no one.

my winter break has almost sucked. i've gone, like, nowhere. i've been inside my house, watching the (language monitor) o.c. constantly. yes, the o.c. i love my christmas presents, but i wish i had gotten something else wrapped up in a box for me. people that actually like me of their own volition and want to spend time with me because they can.

and here we go again. i need to stop now. goodbye.

"we're finally soaking up

the hours that everyone else throws away.

and if we have to go now,

i guess there's always hope

tomorrow night will be more of the same.

this night is winding down but

time means nothing,

as always at this hour

time means nothing."

-we are scientists, after hours