psycho.

i'm pretty sure i'm slightly psycho.
i mean, i guess we all are, but it really doesn't seem that way.
i know plenty of people who are as normal as normal can be.

and, though i hate saying it, i sometimes envy that.

i, mary iris wakeling, am not normal. sure, i have a pretty normal life, and if i just mundanely described the pattern of my days to you, i'm sure you would think that i fit in just fine with all the other marys out there, or maybe even the ashleys and jennifers.
but i am crazy.

the people i hang with, the things i say, the images in my mind, the way i dwell on odd things no one ever seems to think about, the small, meaningless events of everyday. i am crazy.

volcano.

just explode.

make a loud noise, a perfect scene.

let your insides crawl lazily down your outside.

go right ahead. you're allowed.

you can just bottle it all up, then let fly in a maelstrom of fury.

what i don't understand is how two conflicting emotions, opposite ends of the spectrum, can exist together, in the same place, at the same time.

inside of me. right now.

i am constantly depressed, exploring every flaw i possess with manic obsession, tearing myself down bit by bit, holding everyone around me up to the light whilst i wallow in darkness.

i am constantly happy, or maybe apathetic is the word, but compared with my depression it seems like happiness. i float through each hour, allowing my mask of laughter to sink into my skin, fusing itself to my being, until the happiness is a part of me, until others can't hear the undercurrent to my laughter, see the facade under my smile, until i can't either.

the most frustrating part of my depression is that outside events have caused me no grief. everything that swirls around inside me, it's all wrong with me. not the effect that other people or events have had on my life. just me, inside and out.

i have confidence issues. most people who have spoken to me for more than half an hour know this. i find many aspects of my outside appearance unappealing. and i know this gets very annoying to all the people who try to convince me otherwise. i find many aspects of my personality repulsive. virtually all of my personality. i have always found it difficult to answer when people ask me what is good about me, what i like about myself. i have to search for a while before i come up with a suitable response.

so this probably seems like a big rant/pity party.

which it is.

but it's also my strange, convoluted way of thanking the people who have stuck with me, even if/when they penetrated the outer layer and discovered how repulsive and irritating i really am.

i do appreciate it, honestly.